So You're Going To Buy Sex Toys on Amazon Anyway

You're aimlessly browsing Amazon one day when you come across the sexual wellness category. Clicking, you learn that Amazon sells a variety of sex toys. Who knew? You browse further, eventually ending up on a product page that both looks enticing and has good reviews, and you think about that Prime membership with its two day delivery burning a hole in your credit card...


Amazon is great for a lot of things but use as much caution as you can muster buying anything that goes in or on your body from that site. Reviews be damned, sometimes what you end up getting does not match the perception of what you thought you would. That "silicone" product might actually be a plastic knock-off. That 5-star lube with half a million positive reviews shows up but the ingredients include sugar alcohols.

But, you say, it's so convenient. The privacy found in the ubiquity of Amazon-labeled boxes can't be matched. No one is going to notice one of those packages showing up at your house and automatically think sex toys.

This website – this one, right here – should be a testament to why you don't need to use Amazon for your so-called sexual wellness. Plenty of sex toy shops use nondescript packaging, ship fast, and have comparable (if not better) prices for similar items you can find on Amazon. And then there are sales and coupons and discounts to members and and and...

And yet you're defiant. You don't want to take a risk on buying from a better company despite all. What do?

At least stick with the safe stuff.

For starters, how about sex furniture? Perhaps a simple sex pillow? Maybe a waterproof blanket? Maybe you already own a collection of toys and now need storage to keep eyes and hands off your precious? There are different options that range from blend-into-the-background fake book boxes to lockable boxes you can set on your dresser to large multi-purpose storage chests.

There are also pre- and post-care items. Amazon carries shaving cream and after-shave protection spray meant for the bikini area. While perhaps plain old soap and water is best for outside skin, sometimes you're in a bind and might want to use wipes.


If you're truly determined to buy an actual sex toy from Amazon, a glass or metal toy is less likely to be harmful – or ruin your existing toys – as any defect is likely to be obvious and they're default easy to clean. The glass wands that look like Sailor Moon merch are pretty popular lately, as is the Njoy metal wand. Maybe you'll get a cheap knock-off, maybe you won't.

Ultimately, you're better off taking a minute, cooking yourself some dick noodles (it seems those are currently unavailable on Amazon, but you can buy them directly here), reading another chapter of Come As You Are, and returning back to the internet to buy your toys someplace better.

Last Updated August 2023