articles
So Many Food-Themed Dildos

Way back when HTML chatrooms were a common thing, I would regularly visit an all ages chat website. It was connected to the adults-only area of the same website, so to prevent people who were looking for cybersex from wandering too much into the all ages area, the all ages rooms were moderated and many words were automatically censored from the chat. The censor filter wasn't smart and would hide perfectly innocent words that just so happened to contain offensive words inside them.

One of those words? Cucumber.

You can look at that word carefully to see why it was filtered out. We learned how to get around the filter to continue typing whatever we wanted, but it really hit my funny bone whenever I thought of vegetables as being seen as so offensive they needed to be censored from the children.

Fast forward over 20 years, and now I'm perhaps overly aware that a variety of fruits and vegetables are seen as potential sexual conquests and that some companies specialize in creating food-themed sex toys.

Before I continue, I'm just going to leave this video right here for you to watch before you start asking yourself "why would anyone pay $$$$ for a food-themed sex toy when they can just go to the farmer's market?" It's a NSFW story, so save it for home with headphones on, but it's an extremely educational video of at least one reason not to do that. Be safe and prevent your own high-stress embarrassment, kids.


TL;DW: Flared bases.

In taking stock of all of the dildo-makers I could find last year, the food-themed toys absolutely stood out. Finding even more this year led the inspiration to start this website. This discovery goes back to the question of why the fake dick market needs to closely resemble the real thing when it's not the real thing, and doesn't have to be. Why are purple phallic rabbit vibrators ubiquitous but neon glitter rainbow dildos and artistic marbled green sex toy sculptures aren't? Why not share and normalize "weird" toys?

First on the list, of course, are the vegetable toys. And when I think vegetable toys, my mind immediately goes to SelfDelve, a German sex toy company. In the event that you're not in Germany, you can find several of their selection on SheVibe.

There's the corn on the cob:


Ribbed for her/their pleasure.

The pepper:


For those with a Hot Ones fetish.

The eggplant:


Make that emoji literal.

And, of course, because duhhh, the cucumber:


Ring ring ring ring ring, green banana phone! (PS. They do bananas, too.)

They also currently have several other food-themed items, including corn-like sleeves, the cutest little mushroom ever, and the beautifully innocuous marshmallow twist.


Tasty.

Speaking of candy, several companies have their own version of one kind of sweet iced treat or another for you to turn your once-upon-a-time rude blowjob jokes about rocket popsicles into a potentially less (more?) sticky bit of humor.

The most earnest of the bunch is clearly between Tora Toys [note: Tora no longer exists] and Lovecrafters Toys (CAN):


Tora Toys


Lovecrafters Toys on Etsy

Both makers also have other color configurations of the same design, and Lovecrafters has other iced treats and donut cock rings.

If you see those toys and immediately think about their texture being too much, you'll be pleased that Gummy Bunny (MX) has some smooth, beautiful popsicle designs. They sell pretty fast, so don't be surprised that this specific toy is long gone.


Gummy Bunny on Etsy

Perhaps you prefer larger toys. How about just a regular ol' scoop of ice cream from Pink Box Toys (UK)? [Note: Changed name to Pussy Punch Toys in 2022.] They also have cupcakes, strawberries, and mushrooms among their selection.


I was unaware Baskin Robbins carried this flavor.

If sweets aren't your thing but size is, perhaps beverages are figuratively up your alley. Both Hole Punch Toys (who do several other food toys) and Phreak (UK) have bottle toys – fully customizable in Phreak's case.


Hole Punch Toys


Phreak

If so far you've not been impressed with the concepts or designs here, let me introduce you to Sundwaren Konditorei (DE) who make the most true-to-life food toys I've seen.

There's the chocolate treat:


I wanna eat it.

The cannoli:


Fluffy!

The hotdog (okay, ketwurst):


Mayonnaise joke goes here.

And this magnificent thing:


Is it vegetarian, though?

Take a minute to process that last one.

And let's not leave glass toys without a participant in this post! Glass Vibrations (DE) has several food toys, including a pretty cool blue pepper:


Put in in the fridge for a chilly chili?

For all of this, there are many other makers who keep food-themed toys in stock (and a few who do occasional drops of one-off toys), so check out the food tag [edit: CTRL+F and search "food"] for even more super creative, fun, and interesting toys.

Posted August 2021, Links Updated Where Possible January 2023
ABOUT
NAVIGATION
HOW TO
AFFILIATES
TWITTER