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Category: Blog Posts

Buying Toys Online – Discreetly

I see a recurring thread on Reddit where someone wants to buy sex toys online but is afraid that someone they live with is either going to see – or open – their toy delivery, or learn about what they purchased later from a shared bank statement. I thought I’d offer some tips and ideas. These are U.S. specific, but the general ideas apply elsewhere.

First off, if you share a bank account with anyone else, the easiest solution to buying toys online privately is to get a prepaid Visa credit card. If you live in a major city, you can easily buy these at grocery store counters. You can also buy them online. Alternatively, if you have a PayPal account, you can transfer money into it and make purchases using that money (as opposed to using PayPal to pull money directly from your bank, which will note the purchase).

Second, be aware that nearly every reputable company ships toys discreetly. Boxes will be plain and nondescript, and often toy makers and retailers use company pseudonyms on their packaging (for example, company Peepshow Toys ships as Hamilton Park Electronics, and indie maker Strange Bedfellas ships as SB Creative LLC). If you’re purchasing internationally, they may need to write down the contents of the package on said package, but it’s more likely to say “sculpture” or “figure” before “sex toy”. It’s unlikely anyone is going to know your purchase from any other. If you’re worried, check for a FAQ or shipping policy on the toy maker or retailer’s website to find out exactly what they do to protect your privacy.

But let’s say you live in a very strict, uptight, or nosy household. How do you even get the toy past the front door?

  1. Get a P.O. box with USPS. Have your package shipped to the P.O. box. While the price varies depending on location and the specific size, a small box usually rents for under $18 a month with three months paid upfront (if you live in a rural area, the price will be lower). You will need acceptable I.D. and to visit the post office in person during business hours at least once to get one.

  2. Get an in-store post office box from a company like UPS or Postal Annex. The same principle applies. This will generally be more expensive than USPS but may be worth it if the location is closer to where you live or work.

  3. If you’re not necessarily buying toys (please don’t buy toys on Amazon!) but instead buying things like lube, books, storage solutions, etc, you can have Amazon deliver your package(s) to one of their Amazon Lockers. These tend to be located inside convenience stores like 7-11 or inside gas stations but can also be found at pharmacies and grocery stores.

  4. Sign up through USPS to hold your packages (and all of your mail!) at your local post office for up to 30 days. You’ll need to physically pick up your mail at the post office but it’s a good solution if you’re not prepared to rent a post office box but can still get to a post office. UPS and FedEx also have hold package options.

  5. If you think you can intercept a package on the day it arrives but only need warning for which day that might be, USPS has Informed Delivery, and both UPS and FedEx have similar options to alert you of a package due to arrive soon. You will need to sign up for each and none of these are fool-proof as packages may show up early or late.

  6. Send your packages to a trusted friend to temporarily hold on to them for you. For a lot of folks this sounds easier on paper than it is, but if you do have the resource of a good friend who isn’t going to open your mail, send your package to their address (with permission and ample warning, of course).

  7. And finally, if you don’t have the I.D. or resources for any of the above, a last-ditch option is to buy multiple things at once from separate companies then claim you bought gifts, are working on future projects, or your “single” store purchase shipped out in several separate boxes. Since nearly every toy company ships discreetly, one box isn’t going to stand out in a pile of boxes.

Hopefully one or more of these options work for you.

If you’re ready to try your hand at toys and purchase today, as ever I recommend SheVibe for their wide selection of toys and miscellany – all shipped discreetly.


Safe Sex and Birth Control Resources

Safe Sex Resources
>> LGBTQ+ Safe Sex Guide
>> Sexual & Reproductive Health Resources for Adolescents

How to Get Condoms in the US
>> Planned Parenthood: How to get condoms
>> California: Free Condoms for Teens 12-19

How To Get Birth Control in the US
>> Planned Parenthood: How to get birth control pills
>> Nurx
>> The Pill Club
>> Simple Health
>> Wisp
>> Lemonaid Health
>> Amazon now has its own pharmacy that can deliver to your door.

How to Get Plan B in the US
>> Planned Parenthood: Emergency Contraception
>> Where to Find Plan B One Step

Abortion Access in the US
>> I Need An A
>> Shout Your Abortion Resources
>> Plan C: Find Pills

More Help
>> Reddit Auntie Network
>> Domestic Violence Resources
>> Domestic Violence Resources
>> The Trevor Project


BLOG: SFT Toy Design Favorites!

If you would have asked me just a few years ago what I thought about sex toys, the word “boring” likely would have been one of the most descriptive adjectives I could have come up with. Pink, purple, blue, skin tone. Looks like the real thing or looks basic and functional. Boring. So boring.

Luckily I decided to dig a little deeper in my quest for that mythical rainbow holographic dildo.

silly meme

Early on I found common adult store toys like BS’s Pride Rainbows or NS Novelties’ Colours Pleasures, which all looked more interesting than a single-color toy but didn’t quite scratch the itch. A bit later I found LuzArte’s line of Jollet glitter dildos then Uberrime’s glittery Astra and their line of gorgeous Night Kings and fuck yeah! Sparkle and color! Take me to where more of that sort of thing is!

On closer approach to the fantasy market, Split Peaches and Lust Arts both grabbed me, especially between their respective Unicorn Horn and Lust Burster. Dildos that don’t look like dicks? What? So awesome! That of course led right into the wonderful world of food-themed dildos.

Split Peaches Vivid Unicorn

Lust Arts Lust Burster

That’s around the time I learned about Bad Dragon. A tiny bit of research later and I had opened up an entire world of beautiful fantasy toys made by hundreds of independent shops across the world. From there it didn’t take long to create a personal “best of” shop list to share, eventually leading to the creation of this website. For that, though, I haven’t yet shared a list of individual toy design favorites. Now’s the time.

Let’s focus mostly on the last year, shall we?

One of the first fantasy toy shops I found through Etsy was Love Muscle Toys, a shop specializing in darker leanings somewhere between sci-fi and horror. Their Skull Pillar design screams “buy me” every time I see it pop onto my feed.

Love Muscle Toys Skull Pillar
Love Muscle Toys Skull Pillar

I’d be crazy not to mention Velvet Alley next. Their shop is, what, a year old? Yet they already make top of the line morbid, horror-esque, and gothic toys. Behold:

Velvet Alley Heartache
Velvet Alley Heartache
Velvet Alley Legacy
Velvet Alley Legacy
Velvet Alley Blender Stroker
Velvet Alley Blender Stroker

The third toy – the blender – is a stroker. Are you fucking kidding me? How has no one done this before?! I’m not even the target audience for it and I want one just to have one.

My evidently macabre interests naturally found Factory D to be a quality addition to the visual memory bank when they came out with a brain design earlier this year. Similarly, their Atlantis design is captivating. Just look at those colors.

Factory D Braaaaaains.
Factory D: Braaaaains.
Factory D Atlantis
Factory D Atlantis

Next on the morbid menu and tripping off some trypophobia for some (among other fears not pictured below) were Something Squishy both having an excellent approach to design and adding interesting things inside their existing toys, fully taking advantage of the Near Clear silicone bandwagon a few months ago.

Something Squishy Squid Plug, Squiddong, Ravioli Squishy
Something Squishy Squid Plug, Squiddong, Ravioli Squishy
Something Squishy Gummy Worm
Something Squishy Gummy Worm
Something Squishy Morel Plugs
Something Squishy Morel Plugs

While you might be thinking “I would have to buy a soft toothbrush to clean some of these toys” and now have dentistry on the mind, I bring you Darque Path. It took everything in me this summer to not spend money I didn’t have on their tooth squishy, and just as that faded they came out with a witch’s cauldron. Hands down, the Hallows cauldron was my favorite insertable toy I saw this past year.

Darque Path Tooth Squishy
Darque Path Tooth Squishy
Darque Path Hallows
Darque Path Hallows
Darque Path Hallows
Darque Path Hallows

While we’re turning things into things, how ’bout some lamp love? How has no one made a silicone lava lamp dildo before now? Or have they and, for the niche, it fell off into forever unknown obscurity? I find that doubtful. Nawty Toy Box, already making beautiful dildos, provides:

Nawty Toy Box Lava Lamps
Nawty Toy Box Lava Lamps
Nawty Toy Box Lava Lamps
Nawty Toy Box Lava Lamps
Nawty Toy Box Eko Octopus
Nawty Toy Box Eko Octopus

Similarly super colorful and eye-catching comes Darker Horse Toys. Their Moanstone was an immediate no-duh for me, but then they came out with their Baphomet design, making the concepts of satan and sin look just so cute.

Darker Horse Moanstone
Darker Horse Moanstone
Darker Horse Baphomet
Darker Horse Baphomet

Many of these toys walk the line between sex toy and display piece, where at a glance you’d likely miss that they were sex toys at all, so now it’s time for a sincere attempt at fantasy dick. That brings us to Sasquatch by Happy Hole Toys. Ever seen the horror movie Willow Creek? That.

Happy Hole Sasquatch
Happy Hole Sasquatch
Happy Hole sex toy bouquet
Happy Hole sex toy bouquet

And This. Is. Nothing. There are so many more shops, toys, colorations, styles and approaches to silicone sex toys out there both past and present, and I can’t conceivably cover everything in a single post. This is a mere drop in the bucket of toys that have caught my attention over the past year or so of preparing for and keeping this site.

If you like what you see, please check out these shops and have a gander at the directory for way, way more cool shit.


BLOG: So You’re Going To Buy Sex Toys on Amazon Anyway

You’re aimlessly browsing Amazon one day when you come across the ~sexual wellness~ category. Clicking, you learn that Amazon sells a variety of sex toys. Who knew? You browse further, eventually ending up on a product page that both looks enticing and has good reviews, and you think about that Prime membership with its two day delivery burning a hole in your credit card…


Amazon is great for a lot of things but use as much caution as you can muster buying anything that goes in or on your body from that site. Reviews be damned, sometimes what you end up getting does not match the perception of what you thought you were. That “silicone” product might actually be a plastic knock-off. That 5-star lube with half a million positive reviews shows up but the ingredients include sugar alcohols.

But, you say, it’s so convenient. The privacy found in the ubiquity of Amazon-labeled boxes can’t be matched. No one is going to notice one of those packages showing up at your house and automatically think sex toys.

This website – this one, right here – should be a testament to why you don’t need to use Amazon for your so-called ~sexual wellness~. Plenty of sex toy shops use nondescript packaging, ship fast, and have comparable (if not better) prices for similar items you can find on Amazon. SheVibe‘s stock can’t be beat. And then there are sales and coupons and discounts to members and and and…

And yet you’re defiant. You don’t want to take a risk on buying from a better company despite all. What do?

At least stick with the safe stuff.

For starters, how about sex furniture? Perhaps a simple sex pillow? Maybe a waterproof blanket? Maybe you already own a collection of toys and now need storage to keep eyes and hands off your precious? There are different options that range from blend-into-the-background fake book boxes to lockable boxes you can set on your dresser to large multi-purpose storage chests.

There are also pre- and post-care items. Amazon carries shaving cream and after-shave protection spray meant for the bikini area. While perhaps plain old soap and water is best for outside skin, sometimes you’re in a bind and might want to use wipes.


If you’re truly determined to buy an actual sex toy from Amazon, a glass or metal toy is less likely to be harmful – or ruin your existing toys – as any defect is likely to be obvious and they’re default easy to clean. The glass wands that look like Sailor Moon merch are pretty popular lately, as is the Njoy metal wand. Maybe you’ll get a cheap knock-off, maybe you won’t.

Ultimately, you’re better off taking a minute, cooking yourself some dick noodles, reading another chapter of Come As You Are, and returning back to the internet to buy your toys someplace better.

An example of someplace better!

BLOG: So Many Food-Themed Dildos

Way back when HTML chatrooms were a common thing, I would regularly visit an all ages chat website. It was connected to the adults-only area of the same website, so to prevent people who were looking for cybersex from wandering too much into the all ages area, the all ages rooms were moderated and many words were automatically censored from the chat. The censor filter wasn’t smart and would hide perfectly innocent words that just so happened to contain offensive words inside them.

One of those words? Cucumber.

You can look at that word carefully to see why it was filtered out. We learned how to get around the filter to continue typing whatever we wanted, but it really hit my funny bone whenever I thought of vegetables as being seen as so offensive they needed to be censored from the children.

Fast forward over 20 years, and now I’m perhaps overly aware that a variety of fruits and vegetables are seen as potential sexual conquests and that some companies specialize in creating food-themed sex toys.

Before I continue, I’m just going to leave this video right here for you to watch before you start asking yourself “why would anyone pay $$$$ for a food-themed sex toy when they can just go to the farmer’s market?” It’s a NSFW story, so save it for home with headphones on, but it’s an extremely educational video of at least one reason not to do that. Be safe and prevent your own high-stress embarrassment, kids.

TL;DW: Flared bases.

In taking stock of all of the dildo-makers I could find last year, the food-themed toys absolutely stood out. Finding even more this year led the inspiration to start this website. This discovery goes back to the question of why the fake dick market needs to closely resemble the real thing when it’s not the real thing, and doesn’t have to be. Why are purple phallic rabbit vibrators ubiquitous but neon glitter rainbow dildos and artistic marbled green sex toy sculptures aren’t? Why not share and normalize “weird” toys?

First on the list, of course, are the vegetable toys. And when I think vegetable toys, my mind immediately goes to SelfDelve, a German sex toy company. In the event that you’re not in Germany, you can find several of their selection on SheVibe.

There’s the corn on the cob:

Ribbed for her/their pleasure.

The pepper:

For those with a Hot Ones fetish.

The eggplant:

Make that emoji literal.

And, of course, because duhhh, the cucumber:

Ring ring ring ring ring, green banana phone! (PS. They do bananas, too.)

They also currently have several other food-themed items, including corn-like sleeves, the cutest little mushroom ever, and the beautifully innocuous marshmallow twist.


Speaking of candy, several companies have their own version of one kind of sweet iced treat or another for you to turn your once-upon-a-time rude blowjob jokes about rocket popsicles into a potentially less (more?) sticky bit of humor.

The most earnest of the bunch is clearly between Tora Toys (US) and Lovecrafters Toys (CAN):

Tora Toys
Lovecrafters Toys on Etsy

Both makers also have other color configurations of the same design, and Lovecrafters has other iced treats and donut cock rings.

If you see those toys and immediately think about their texture being too much, you’ll be pleased that Gummy Bunny (MX) has some smooth, beautiful popsicle designs. They sell pretty fast, so don’t be surprised that this specific toy is long gone.

Gummy Bunny on Etsy

Perhaps you prefer larger toys. How about just a regular ol’ scoop of ice cream from Pink Box Toys (UK)? They also have cupcakes, strawberries, and mushrooms among their selection.

I was unaware Baskin Robbins carried this flavor.

If sweets aren’t your thing but size is, perhaps beverages are figuratively up your alley. Both Hole Punch Toys (who do several other food toys) and Phreak (UK) have bottle toys – fully customizable in Phreak’s case.

Hole Punch Toys

If so far you’ve not been impressed with the concepts or designs here, let me introduce you to Sundwaren Konditorei (DE) who make the most true-to-life food toys I’ve seen.

There’s the chocolate treat:

I wanna eat it.

The cannoli:


The hotdog (okay, ketwurst):

Mayonnaise joke goes here.

And this magnificent thing:

Is it vegetarian, though?

Take a minute to process that last one.

And let’s not leave glass toys without a participant in this post! Glass Vibrations (DE) has several food toys, including a pretty cool blue pepper:

Put in in the fridge for a chilly chili?

For all of this, there are many other makers who keep food-themed toys in stock (and a few who do occasional drops of one-off toys), so check out the food tag for even more super creative, fun, and interesting toys.


Categories & Tags: Explaining the Unexplainable

I’ve recently added new tags to the site, and with those additions, it makes sense to include a dictionary of terms I’ve used here to categorize each website. Onward we go:



Etsy Shops
These are toy shops that are located on Etsy. A few Makers also have Etsy stores.

These are people and companies with standalone shops (not just Etsy stores) who make toys.

Retail Stores
These are companies selling other people’s toys, who don’t typically make their own toys. A lot of these have physical stores.

Since originally adding sites a few have gone missing or closed. I’ve added them here.

Resources & Education
These are writing-focused posts with resource links and educational material.

Blog Posts
There aren’t many of these yet as I’ve been concentrating on building the directory portion of the site.

Material (Ceramic, Glass, Silicone, Steel, Stone & Crystal, Wood)
The vast majority of the Etsy stores and Makers use silicone in their toys, but some exclusively do wood, ceramic, or glass toys. There’s argument for/against all of these as being safe to use but they’re all safer than plastic or whatever the hell you have laying around the house.



Country: [Name]
Most stores include international shipping but in case you’re in a part of the globe where, say, US stores aren’t going to work for you, you can pick a different location that will.

Has Twitter
These are stores that have a twitter account linked with their store. This is useful to keep on top of sales or drop schedules.

At this time every site I’ve included has a focus on insertables since that’s where the element of safety can go awry. The main idea here is dildos, whether it’s the type that gets held, suctioned to something, worn, or put in a harness.

Plugs/Vaginal Plugs
These are two tags to be clear on advertising for the few that specifically say they’ve made plugs for vaginal use, but generally plugs refer to anal use.

This refers to the standard retail idea of kegel or ben wa balls, the more independent silicone round-ish shaped sculptures, and the silicone eggs or egg-making kits one might use for ovipositor (egg-depositing) toys. Use your judgment.

These are penis toys like sleeves and ye olde pocket pussies.

Basically all cock rings.

Some independent makers make tiny versions of their popular toys just for fun. Many companies make squishy discs or sample toy sets that you can buy to test the hardness of their products before spending $90 on something that’s too hard or too soft for you that you can’t return. And a select few make sculptures or literal toys that theoretically might be sex toys but can actually be displayed in the living room. Everyone needs a giant silicone tooth in their living room.

These are stores that have customization options where you can change the color, size, or accessory options prior to buying a toy. Some stores only have customization briefly or don’t openly share they do customs all of the time so if you want customs and a store doesn’t specifically say they don’t do them, it’s better to ask.

These tags refer to the size of the toy. Some sites include mini or small versions of a standard size toy as well as large or extremely large version of their toys. Others specialize in longer or thicker toys.

Both tags refer to the basic texture of a store’s selection of insertable toys. Smooth would be unusually smooth for standard dildos, meaning no texture except the material itself. Texture refers to obvious bumps, ridges, or sculpted toys that are meant for playing around with texture.

These stores have toys that don’t look very much like penises… unless you’re 12. We are all 12. But some toys don’t look like sex toys at all.

In brief, toys with circular ridges and soft waves that appear akin to aquatic animals.

Rubbing Pad
These are highly textured surfaces not necessarily meant for insertion.

Insertion toys that are either dual-ended (two ends) or have multiple heads (one base, two heads).

Exactly what you think it is.

Glow in the Dark
Also exactly what you think it is.

Unicorn Horn
All of these refer to the vaguely triangular, often descending ridge toys that look a lot like a unicorn horn.

Think leaves and fairies.

Think probes and space movie tropes.

Think humanoid beasts.

Think horses.

Think metallic objects.

Think pop culture references.

Think coffins and skulls.

Think ice cream and bread. Yes, there are bread dildos.


I’ve tagged a few singular, self-explanatory items as well, so if you go digging you’ll find some of those. In all likelihood I’ve missed a few here and there, and some websites have a revolving inventory, so if I’ve gotten something horribly wrong, let me know.

Until then, you can find all of these tags and categories as clickable links in the sidebar.